Friday, April 27, 2012


Alan was one of my favorite bus drivers of all time.  The dude never said a word.  He never wrote any body up.  He wore the bus company wind breaker.

Alan looked kind of like Jon Lovitz with coke bottle glasses.  The kids loved being on his bus because basically there were no rules.  Anything that wasn't nailed down was fair game to become a projectile of some variety.  Over time while reviewing bus tapes I can recall seeing paper (of course), snow balls, book bags, those 'twirly whirly' things that fall from oak trees, Tootsie Rolls, and bird feeders the kids had made at school being used as projectile objects.  Yet surprisingly, we didn't get too many calls from parents.

This went on most of the year.  Then came the day that someone hit Alan in the back of the head with a V-Bomb on the ride home from school.  For those that don't know, a V-Bomb is paper folded tightly and bent into a 'v' shape.  It is then fired using a rubber band.  It made well, and aimed correctly, they can certainly sting.

Alan pulled the bus over and stood up to address the students.  The bus was silent.  I can only assume it was due to shock since I'm not sure most of them had ever heard him speak.  He certainly had never pulled the bus over (at least as far as we were aware).

He was calm and spoke in low tones.  "You know what?  I have a seat belt. (dramatic pause) You don't.  (dramatic pause) So when I flip this bus, I'm going to be just fine. (now yelling) But you all, will be bouncing around like pinballs in pinball machine!"

With that he sat back down and drove the rest of the route with what the kids later described as a 'creepy smile' on his face.  The kids didn't say shit.  They barely moved.

We certainly got calls that night from parents.  But we never saw Alan again.  He never returned, never called or answered calls according to bus headquarters, and I'm betting didn't return his bus company windbreaker or ball cap (not sure if those are deducted from your first check).  Only, when we looked at the tape did we hear Alan's great farewell speech.

I wouldn't drive a school bus for superintendent money.

Of course, this is still better than the bus driver who caught juggling on a bus tape... different tale....

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